Dreams And Realities
by Arydwen X
Summary: B'Elanna is consumed with regret for a love she didn't realise until it was too late. Femslash.


Disclaimer: Paramount owns it all; I'm just borrowing, and trying to fix their mistakes. Star Trek Voyager and all who sail in her belong to Paramount/Viacom and no infringement of copyright/trade marks is intended. This story includes same sex relationships between women. If you are offended by this or it is illegal where you live or you are underage then please read no further.

Spoilers: Possibly the whole series, but I wouldn't worry about that much.

Code: Some 7/C, but will become T/7, I promise..

Dreams And Realities

I see her standing across the room, her hair is down, she's wearing a red satin dress. All that passes through my mind is taking it off her, taking her, on my bed, all night long.

My husband, these days by license alone, is sitting across from me, his eyes are also elsewhere. To my surprise, his gaze is upon Janeway. I must be losing my mind, because I could swear I see lust in his eyes. I look down into my drink, trying to make sense of all that is going on around me.

Then I hear his voice, the man I used to look up to, as a father, brother, mentor, friend and commander. Now all I feel for him is rage and jealousy. He has her, where I want her, where I need her. Just when I finally began to realize how I felt, he was there. They are inseparable, and I always thought he hated her for who and what she was. My marriage, pregnancy and motherhood must have put blinders on me. How could I not see it happening until it was too late?

I look up just in time to see him take her hand, bringing her to the floor to dance. I feel my gut wrench when he brings his lips to her neck…the neck I want to taste so badly. I stand up and begin to leave, excusing myself to check on Miral.

I place a call to Sam, asking her if it would be possible she watch the baby all night. She agrees and I close the com-link.

Heading to the ensuite, I let my mind drift back to her, the dress, the long blond hair, lips upon her throat, mine not his. Slowly I begin to remove my clothing…it's her hands I imagine as I pull off my shirt, my bra. My hands become hers, brushing my skin. Soon, my clothing lay disregarded in a heap on the floor. I step into the shower unaware of anything around me. The waves hit me, relieving none of this tension. I readjust the controls to water pressure, removing the nozzle. I slowly lower it to the junction between my legs. Tilted upright the water spraying me from underneath, I turn the control to high pressure. I feel the water vibrating me, entering me. My knees give out and I fall to the floor. My legs spread wide, water still spraying me, I reach my other hand down to spread myself wider. Coursing over me, the jet stream easily helps bring me relief. I feel my own body tighten, tense, nearing release. My head bent back, hips thrusted forward, I begin to scream a name…her name.

Back to reality, I step out, dry myself and slide between my sheets, still naked, still wanting her. I try and sleep, but the image of her, with him, still occupies my thoughts. I try to block it out, but to no avail. 'Kahless, why did it take me so long to see? Why did I not see this before he came into her life?' I receive no answers. I begin to cry…tears of missed opportunities, of lost loves. Soon I find myself crying for all the mistakes I've made in my past, all the losses I have suffered because them. The last thought on my mind was an image of my father, just before he left.

Just once, I'd like to be able to complete repairs without her showing up. She used to annoy me, anger me with her "superior Borg knowledge." Always wanting to make things more efficient. Now I can't stand to see her; because when I do, I am reminded of how my courage left me.

Once again though, she is here. I try ignoring how she smells, the way the lights shimmer in her hair, and the way she fills out that biosuit. It's getting harder to suppress the urge to proclaim my love to her. Not to mention the urge to throw her against the bulkhead and just take her. Kahless, I even find myself considering taking a leave of absence! How much more of this can I endure?

Somehow I manage to make it through another day, it helps that she suddenly disappeared. I won't let myself think about where she disappeared to, or with whom. I have a fleeting thought, maybe it's not too late to tell her. 'Ha right!' I had to suppress the urge to scream at my engineering crew, when they turned at my words.

Miral is sleeping now, which is no small task. I'm lying in my bed; as usual thoughts of Seven are in my mind. I don't bother putting any of these thoughts into a recorded log, they replay in my mind too often as it is. Drifting off to sleep, I see her with him, bodies entangled, sweat, lingering kisses. I bolt out of my bed, ready to scream out the words, "No, it should be me!" I stop myself, remembering my sleeping daughter in the next room. Then my mind turns to how things would be if Seven were in our lives. How wonderful she would be as a second mother to Miral. I must stop this; I'm driving myself crazy, but how?

I place a call to Tom, who's sleeping on Harry's couch, I ask him to come stay with our daughter for the night. I need some time alone, to work out these frustrations. Soon as he arrives, I leave for the holodeck. It's another bloody scene of me taking out my aggravations on some Cardassians. The old me would have turned off the safety device, now I have a daughter to think about, so I turn them to a minimum. Five hours later, I am back in engineering, back to the routine.

I've made it through another day. As I sit and rock Miral, my mind drifts back to her. Of course she's all I can think about these days. Her soft skin, full lips, the swell of her hips, and breasts.

I stand up and lay Miral in her cradle, making my way back to my room. I prepare the sonic shower, and soon I am in bed. She was here again, in my mind as always. I slowly slide my hand inside my panties and begin stroking my clit with my left index finger. My right hand cups my breast. I slide my finger inside myself, pumping...in and out. I bring my right hand down and begin to stroke my clit again... harder... faster... squeezing it just a little between my index and forefinger. I pull my left hand from inside myself; bring my fingers to my lips...licking and sucking until they are clean. At the same time, I slide my right hand's finger inside of me. I am wet, but still tight...harder I push, deeper...bringing my left hand down to my chest, I begin kneading my breast. My nipples are so hard, like tiny rocks... I pinch and stroke them. Now I add a second finger...deep inside of me, I feel my muscles clench, feel it within me, and through my fingers. I see visions behind my closed eyes...of another's hands on me, in me. I push harder, feeling myself grow close. Aching for release, I move my hand down from my breast, back to my clit. I know I am close, even the slightest touch will send me over the edge. I buck at the sensations; sweat building up on my body, my fingers slide in and out with ease. I open my eyes just as I come; I think I see her face... now it's gone. My screams are lost inside myself, replaced by whimpers and moans. I lay here for what feels like an eternity, barely able to move, my body still shaking as I drift into sleep.

It's peculiar, where life takes you. Here I am, preparing to help the doctor remove the cordical inhibitor from the woman I love, so she is able to feel love for another. I tell everyone that I'm doing it because it presents a challenge. That much is true, but the challenge is not about my engineering skills. The true test is seeing if I can keep my sanity.

The sad truth is, I'm doing this because it is expected of me. It's the same reason I am yet to file for a divorce. I'm expected to try and work things out with Tom. We both know our marriage is over. It was over long before it ever began. Our loyalties as friends kept us together, then the pregnancy. But we see now that all our bickering and fighting will only cause hurt and confusion in Miral, so he sleeps at Harry's. It's only a matter of time before that is common knowledge, but again, I do what is expected and in this case it's expected of me to continue the facade.

Doubt has become a big part of my life as of late. Uncertainty in my abilities as a wife, mother, lover, friend, Klingon, and now as Chief Engineer. I know it's my emotions that are clouding my engineering judgments, but I cannot bring myself to tell anyone. That would mean them finding out my love for Seven. This I cannot allow, what good would it do me anyhow?

I saw them again in the messhall. Sitting together, he was laughing at something she said, her eyebrow raised in amusement. What would it be like to be the one who bring that smile to her face, the shine to her eyes? They rose together and started to leave. She turned to me and nodded as they left. I get a nod; he gets to embrace her at night. 'Tell me Kahless, why am I giving her the ability to love, when it can never be me?'

It's been a week since we completed the removal of the inhibitor. I haven't seen much of her; I assume she's been spending all her time with Chakotay. The full time job of being a mother and Chief Engineer helped me make it through. Seven's still on my mind, every waking moment, and usually occupies my dreams. I've learned to cope. Thank Kahless they seem to have taken their courtship into privacy; I'm not sure how much more of that I could endure.

Exhaustion has made it easier for me to find sleep, though I still spend my nights in restless slumber. Many times I have woken to the cries of Miral, but more often it's to sound of my own sobbing.

Seven's lips are upon mine. Her kisses are soft and gentle; they linger upon my parted lips. I feel her hands, caressing my skin. Light touches on my face; her fingers glide down my neck, my side, making their way to cup my breast. We are both naked, skin to skin, her hands…my skin. Her breath touches my neck, my arms wrap around her body. Embracing her, my mouth seeks hers once again.

I feel her hands, one at my breast as the other eases down to massage the mound between my thighs. I feel a finger stroke my nub, pushing down. Then she enters me. My hips push into her hand, making her slid deeper inside. I have one hand in her hair, the other firmly grasping her hips. I seek out her tongue with my own, sucking hers into my mouth. My hand makes its way from her hair to her ribs. Pushing her up slightly, my mouth finds her taught nipple. Taking it into my mouth, I gently bite down.

I feel her grasp my back, pulling me closer. My hand makes its way down her lean body, to seek out the new moisture between her legs. I slide a finger of my own inside. I feel her muscles clamp down, first penetration. 'I am her first', echoes in my mind. Her hand tightens around my back; fingers stop moving inside me, I hear moans escaping from her lips. I pull myself back, looking into her eyes. Is that love I see in them? We come together to kiss. It's long and passionate; I never want it to end.

The movements of her fingers grow rapid; I increase my own pace to meet hers. My hand still on her hips, I pull her down onto me, going deeper inside. My hips push up to meet hers. I feel myself growing near release as she whispers my name. Has any word ever sounded so wonderful? I sense she is drawing near; I pull my mouth from hers, needing to look into her eyes as she reaches climax. Her back arches, moans and gasps fall from her lips, as her eyes roll back into her head. Feeling her there, I too enter into rapture. I scream her name as all goes black.

I awake to the sound of her name coming from my lips. My body is shaking, as sweat pours from me. I look to each side of me, seeing only rumpled sheets. 'She's not here, it was just a dream.' I'm overcome with loneliness, tears streak down my cheeks. I pull myself out of my own despair to see to my crying child. I must have woken her with the sounds of my screams, or sobbing.

Having put her back down to sleep, I try to join her there. It's of no use, memories still linger. The thoughts of what could never be keep me awake as they often do lately. I try and take my mind off things by going over the numerous datapads scattered throughout my quarters. It's something I find myself doing a lot these days. Relying on the ship to distract me. I think of Miral, knowing that it is only she who helps me make it through each day.

It's past midnight; the Beta shift is on duty. Tom is in my quarters sitting with our daughter. I'm sitting alone in the Cargo Bay. This is yet another routine I have developed since Seven has taken up residence in her own quarters. I sit and think; wallowing in lost chances, lost loves. I know it's unproductive, I know it can only help to make things worse, but I cannot stop myself. It's all I have of her, an unused alcove.

I hear someone enter; yet I cannot bring myself to look up. Flowers are presented in front of me. I force a smile; he's always been my best friend. Then I hear a voice, although my mind won't register what the words are saying. I look up, and see her standing there. The woman I love, the one who always occupies my thoughts. My life. And suddenly I can hear her words, "B'Elanna, it's you that I love."


End file.
